Excerpt from my newly published book (on Amazon in hard and paperback).
HOLY LOVE: A MEMOIR OF SORROW TO GLORY
There is a point in our mothering where the path we are on with our children diverge. They will continue their journey separate from us. In actuality, their path is always separate from ours. As mothers, we know that piercing reality of separateness once they breathe air on their own in that chaotic delivery room. Amidst blood and water and tearing flesh, we rejoice at their cries and their new life.
Our journeys intertwine like ivy wrapping itself around the trunk of a tree. Our paths parallel so intimately that we as mothers forget that they are indeed separate from us. As Christian mothers, we know in our hearts they don’t belong to us. They belong to Him first. But as women of the world, we forget and deceive ourselves into thinking we are still attached by that lifeline cord.
There comes a point where we can deceive ourselves no longer.
My front yard is now love in shades of green. There are sunny patches where I’ve planted plants that can flower and bear fruit. There are patches of wild edibles like dandelions and chickweed that I selectively allow to flourish because of their nutritional value. I’ve learned the value of weeds, just as I’ve learned the value of a painful journey whose lessons have, by the grace of God, not been wasted on me.
My yard boasts enchantment in organized chaos. It’s so charming that it attracts the children on my street who clamor to help me garden and water plants. From the blueberry bushes that have not yet flourished but are learning to grow, to volunteer thorny wild raspberry briar patches that I’ve granted residence, the yard is like a testament to my journey thus far.
It has too much shade because of a tree I planted ten years ago a decision made prior to my coming of age as an edible gardener. So, I work with what I have and God’s miracle of nature does the rest. I tweak and He breathes life
My chronic dissatisfaction with aspects of my life kept me searching. The rubbing angst and tightening sorrows kept me on the path that would lead me into His arms and His pasture.
I sit here now, on the precipice of a new understanding of and freedom from my sorrows. God used the combination of my persevering and overly self-disciplined temperament and seasoned it with my aching envy and jealousies—and even my regrets–to create in me a dogged determination to find an answer. I wasn’t aware that I was really seeking freedom from this suffering, but that was the ultimate outcome.
It’s a lot like a grain of sand in an oyster. It’s continued presence inside the body of the oyster over time gives way to a pearl. The day I began to round the bend in this journey of regrets, I saw in the distance the pasture that He was leading me toward. I began to have enough clarity so I could see a purpose in the suffering. Finding a purpose in the suffering over regret is more than finding a reason for it.
A reason for the suffering explains why it haunts throughout one’s life, while finding a purpose in the suffering gives it meaning and reveals a direction in life’s journey. Most importantly, it offers healing in the process. The suffering begins to take its rightful position beneath your feet. This is not an immediate process, but the process begins once you accept Christ into your life.
In the journey toward Holy Love, Jesus will reveal to us our own sin first. The defenses and walls that our own pride erected and which impede our loving as He designed, are what we need to see. The weightiness of my pride is palpable. I can’t seem to distance myself from it sometimes. It feels so much like it’s a part of me.
Maybe that’s part of my conundrum. Holy Love is how God loves us. Only He can love that way. We are mere imprints of that love, the verb of that love. But we can strive to become its manifestation and live and love in the glow of His Holy Love….His warmth…the eternity that He created and that He dwells within.
In faith, I will wait for that promise.
In the journey toward Holy Love, Jesus will reveal to us our own sin first. The defenses and walls that our own pride erected and which impede our loving as He designed, are what we need to see. The weightiness of my pride is palpable. I can’t seem to distance myself from it sometimes. It feels so much like it’s a part of me.
Maybe that’s part of my conundrum. Holy Love is how God loves us. Only He can love that way. We are mere imprints of that love, the verb of that love. But we can strive to become its manifestation and live and love in the glow of His Holy Love….His warmth…the eternity that He created and that He dwells within.
We have been in an information war as the world is waking up.
I’m very careful with my words and my posts because I need to avoid the ‘powers that be’ from putting me back into social media jail. I do not want to lose contact with you all.
I still see too many people walking around masked up and frightened. Here is some clarity for those of you who are pushing back on the fear (you know who you are).
Our enemy is both visible and invisible.
The alleged ‘V’ is invisible (in fact, it’s not even been isolated for identification -FACT), but it is not the only invisible enemy. The other ‘hidden from view enemies’ are fear, despair, anger (which is different from righteous anger), discouragement, isolation and alienation. Let’s talk about those why don’t we.
Those patriots who are on the front lines (you know who they are), and even second tier back (you know who they are as well) are not able to share their strategies or timelines with us who support them and believe in them and pray for them. This is a war of information and appears to us as mostly digital and informational in nature. Mark my words…there IS A LOT of physical real activity going on behind the scenes that will not be made known yet to the general public.
Just because we are not at the front lines of this war does not mean that we have no work to do or that our participation is meaningless.
All of us patriots have lost friends, and even some family. Many of us have lost business and colleagues as well. Many of us sorrow over the health and welfare of our loved ones who are still ‘asleep’ and in that sleep state have exposed themselves to other dangers. They’ve succumbed to the ‘v…ne’. (you know what I’m talking about).
Our assignment in this battle for the soul of our America is to continue to rouse ourselves. We must continue to wake up. For me, every time, I think I’m ‘awake’ I find that there is yet more to see and to know. My reality is new from last year and even from last week. To ‘wake up’ and to do so with courage and resolve is our assignment.
In some ways, our job is tougher than those at the front lines because we do our work in the dark. We must sift through information and news and become wiser in our discernment.
We are learning to be steady and determined in our facing of truth. Our perspective continues to widen as we see the landscape of lies and untruths we had previously accepted as reality.
So…as patriots, what is our job in this battle (because we DO have a job to do)? First and foremost you must keep in mind that our ‘assignment’ is more in the energetic realm. Because this is a battle for the soul of humanity, we must remember above all else, that God IS indeed in control. He will not let us down. This IS a war on a cosmic and biblical level. TRUTH!
Courage and focus is not only required on the front lines…it is also imperative on the periphery of the battles where we dwell!
WE ARE THE WIND BENEATH THE WINGS OF OUR FRONTLINE WARRIORS.
WE are required to stand strong in what feels like darkness and silence. Amidst the misinformation and disinformation and propaganda we must keep on our spiritual armor.
WE are in the process of cultivating our own resolve and patriotic clarity and faith in God. These are our weapons at this time.
When in doubt…pray
When in fear…resolve
When catastrophic thinking peeks its ugly head…thought stop
When in anger….be kind, but firm.
When in despair…reach out to another patriot you believe to be stronger than you.
STOP watching all legacy media! It’s sole purpose is for bringing down your energy and the enemy feeds off of negative energy (negative thinking and behavior). Sign up for alternate informational sources (ie: like Telegram, bitchute, rumble). You can figure out who to follow (if questions about that reach out to me and I’ll tell you )
BECAUSE, when the light, that IS prevailing, begins to visibly cast out the darkness (and it will happen…I promise you!), the world will need all of us.
Whether you have been a vocal or a more stealthfully silent Patriot…the world will need you! You must take care of your body, mind and spirit now more than ever!
At this moment in history, it’s important to remember and honor our Patriots during the Revolutionary War. These were untrained and poorly equipped men who were profoundly out manned by the British military. Our patriot ancestors, with bleeding feet (because many didn’t even have shoes) walked over snow and frozen ground to turn the war in our favor on Christmas of 1776. They suffered the same fear and doubt as we do, but we can do that in the comfort of our warm homes. Undeterred, they carried on because they had their eye on the prize…FREEDOM!
This is our 1776 moment. I believe it is a privilege to be living in this time in history (as difficult and unpleasant as it feels).
We must practice faith over fear as we live through the pandemic.
“This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never–in nothing, great or small, large or petty–never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force: never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” Winston Churchill
There was a time when hugs and smiles, or handshakes and joyful eye contact trumped germs. There was a time when you ‘caught a cold’ or the flu and you knew what to do. There was a time when human connectedness, sacred relationships and love overshadowed fear.
I say to that: “GET BEHIND ME FEAR!”. I will NOT allow you to subdue my heart or my passion for life! Get behind me fear…I will go before you and urge others to follow along with me. Get behind us fear, because we WILL rally the cause of love and humanity…of freedom of thought and the pursuit of happiness!
For those who are afraid to live and afraid to die…stand aside, because we will re-forge the path to freedom that has been strayed away from. For those of you who are truly at risk (you know who you are) then do what you must to protect yourself. This is your right and your responsibility to protect yourself. We who walk before you will help to create the herd immunity as effective therapeutics become mainstream. This virus WILL weaken over time, so until then, protect yourselves as you must.
All I ask is that you try to see what we are doing FOR YOU. We are demonstrating what it is to be free and unimpressed by the fear and crippling tyrannical mind-numbing demands of those who choose to control humanity. And don’t doubt for a second that controlling global humanity is what they are seeking. ‘They’ have intended to destroy the boundaries between Truth and self-defined reality.
‘They’ have watered down at best, and destroyed at worst, traditional institutions such as family, history and culture. And ‘they’ are after the spirit and soul of the human heart. Don’t doubt for a second that ‘they’ intend to swoop in to control our lives once enough people are disheartened and wounded enough on a soul level. And limiting human connection IS WOUNDING US ON A SOUL LEVEL.
Here is my plea…my charge…”Get behind me fear!” I WILL make eye contact and reveal my smile and give and receive hugs and human contact to other souls who choose to carry the torch of freedom. This charge is not without risk, or even possibly danger. War is dangerous…and have no doubt…we are at war. We all can fight in this war, each in our own way.
‘They’ will not steal my joy or wash down my spirit.
(THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN FACEBOOK IN MARCH OF 2021)
It wasn’t right…I sensed it from the very beginning last spring when social distancing began to be enforced.
The first month was acceptable…we just didn’t know what this mysterious ‘virus’ was all about. But over time, it became clearer and clearer to me that something simply ‘was not right’.
I know I’m not alone with this sentiment. I know that deep down most people, if they really quieted their minds long enough to let their heart (and not their fear) speak to them, would come to the same realization.
We are social beings. We were created for relationship. We were created for connection.
God sent his Son to dwell amongst humanity to not only Save us, but also to touch us physically. Jesus hugged. He embraced. He smiled and gazed into the eyes of men and women, children and elderly. He touched the infirmed and wept over the dying. God physically connected with humanity through His son. Physical to physical.
The social distancing prevents us from enjoying the twinkle in another person’s eyes. We can’t see the joy or even the sorrow in another person. How do we connect when we can’t witness another person’s humanity?
The masks conceal one’s face…the smile (to match the sparkle in the eyes) or the frown (that would shed light upon one’s sorrow). The smile, the facial expression and most of all the eyes offer one a glimpse into another person’s soul.
Have you not noticed how people tragically make less eye contact now? People look down or straight ahead as you pass each other on the street. We become strangers evermore easily. Less effort is made in order to acknowledge another person’s ‘being-ness’ when you can’t see their face.
I submit that this is ‘the enemy’s’ intention. It distances us from God. Because we are God’s children, demonic forces are trying to force a wedge between us, and thereby, our own God given humanity.
God is Love. He is about relationship. He created us as a manifestation of Him and His love We do that through connection and our hearts connect when we can smile upon each other. The twinkle in the eye magnifies the smile. It animates the spirit.
The hug is the expression of love in the physical realm.
At that moment, when she said to me, “The pain is too deep”, I was a witness to the kingdom of God’s truth. When someone speaks truth that has His fingerprint upon it, one can experience the vastness of God. It’s like standing on holy ground. It’s palpable, just like my memory of that moment in her bedroom. For me, the one tear that rolled down her cheek was her apology I had hungered for. She was not able to utter the words or even look at me. But I saw her pain, and felt the depth of her suffering; authentic and profound in its power and darkness.
……It was the first and last truly authentic moment I’d ever share with her. There were no expectations or agendas; no role reversals or co-dependency. It was a moment of pure honesty.
When I heard his voice at the other end of the phone, I assumed he was calling me on behalf of his wife. This was not the case. Instead, he said, “Jill, I have your business card here on my desk. You’ve been on my mind for a while now. I decided to just call you…Jill is everything all right? Are you okay?”
I nearly cried as I told him about what had transpired with my nephew, and sister and mother. Then Medford said, “now Jill..you know how you are. You always focus on everyone else’s needs but your own It’s very important for you to drink enough water and eat healthy right now. Do not forget to take care of you!” What was so amazing about his comments is that he spoke to me as if we’d known each other for many years, which was not at all the case. We’d only met a few brief times at his store. He offered instructions to me that assumed he knew my life patterns. He didn’t know how I was with people!
Medford was God’s angel at that moment. He had decided to heed God’s command to intercede on my behalf. Although I was a number of years away from accepting Jesus into my life, God used Medford to let me know that I was being watched over.
I have tucked Medford’s telephone call into a sweet memory vault in my mind because of what he did for me. Medford reached out and loved on me. He was obedient to the Lord’s command to do His work.
God is like that; He sends nutritious little breadcrumbs along the path to Jesus, like Manna from Heaven. I wonder how many other sweet moments there were that I had missed along the way because of the chaos and business in my life.
